Happy birthday fareha! May Allah bless u! always. bcause after all, u alreadi hd been blessed by having such sweet heart that hard to find. syg bangat sama kamu deh!
sempena birthday Meha yg suka giller tengok citer korea. yesterday,having 4 marathon korean movie non stop with zetty.how actually i realized i havent see any movies for years.2years perhaps.balas dendsm.
1. my boyfriend is type b - funny but not that funny. 2. a moment to remember - sgt best. almost cry but couldnt. tp sgt meaningful.sgt sweet. waaa..sgt best. mcm 50 1st date,one of my fav movie (i know,mcm lame btul fav movie,tp i only watch few movie aje)that girl had alzheimer's disease (actually i dont think alzheimer can be detect from mri. susah sikit laa-the doc should investigate further laa bcause dementia in younger age is rare.other causes need to be excluded)tp mybe nak pendekkn citer laa kut. 3. sad movie - this is sooo extreme sad. very good movie. almost cry. but couldnt. malu kat zt kut. seriusly. 4 different stories. about separation from the love ones. seriusly. mcm ala2 cerita cinta -but trust me,this film was really meaningful! melampau betul sedih dia. 4. he's cool - typical gangster youngster fall in love.bla bla.mcm cerita my tutor teacher. 5. seducing mr perfect- great. but a bit boring. bosan.typical man yg ego. bla bla.tp nasib baik pemuda tersebut hensem.
pemenang: a moment to remember. mesti tgk gak sad movie.
oh-meha. adakah ketelaluan untuk aku mdoakan untuk dikau mendapat jejaka yg secomel oreng korea dan juga yg romantik gitu2 eh? hehe. tanak yg ego kepala batu tue...at least lelaki dalam citer a moment to remember. at least. bukan jerk yg kunun2nye ego. because u're too sweet to be hurted.
zetty is coming home today. (actually supposedly tomorrow). she called aff "eh aff, et balik jumaat. tapi kalau korang 'perlukan' et. tlg buat surat. amek hari khamis pun takpe.."
and her brother fariz replied, "yah buat laa surat. cakap kitaorg memerlukan khidmat zt to pack her thing for vacation".
sangat lame. tu mcm orang gaji aje. but it's quite true. she's the only one in the family who is very very very organize. perhaps zt sedut semua genetic code from all of us. (note: aff nampak je organize.har har har). tapi zt ni best...ye ke?
last weekend. p sunway lagoon. susah nk enjoy rupanya kalau dalam diri tak berapa nak enjoy. actually i could even sleep while riding roller coster. gayat aku dah hilang. exam lebih mnakutkan. owh tidak. actually responsibility is even scarier. nak amek gambar pun, susah btul nak senyum... aku rasa aku je yg boleh sengih2 mcm kerang busuk ...yg mmg melampau aku p naik ajhackett. dapat half price. okay lah tue. tp dapat certificate of insanity. kurang ajar jugaklaaa. takdelah takut sgt walaupun the speeds laju giller- 120km/h in less than 2seconds. sebab takde sape nk naik dgn aku, aku naik dgn pekerja dia yg bjuta kali naik. Miss AZ suggest, "kalau buat macam bsanding best gak". (note utk zaa,shiena,atau nad.rosma pun boleh laa) panas terik g
Okay. sekarang lesson for today. aku geli hati btul. dendam manusia memang betul2 aneh. bersangka buruk adalah bukan sifat seorang muslim. kata2 kasar bukan sifat seorang muslim. kalau dalam alam web pun kau takleh tahan dari mnulis perkara2 yg buruk. dalam real life macane? aku tak cakap aku baik sgt. tapi seboleh2 jangan buat diri sendiri tu dalam posisi hati busuk.
nak tau ape yg paling aneh? sewaktu kita nak mgutuk orang.dalam sedar tak sedar,kita telah mjadi orang yg dikutuk.
plus sumpah manusia tak pernah termakbul.melainkan kuasa Tuhan. okay. katakan 'kau' perasan sumpah kau termakbul kerana dendam. puas hati dgn kekalahan orang? owh. terserlah sifat kau keji. mgapa kau tak doa supaya orang tersebut tersedar dari kesalahan? beristighfar dari sekarang.sesungguhnya Allah maha pgampun. dan maha pemurah.
that's it: i'm out dari kancah kutuk-mgutuk. agenda tuduh mnuduh tanpa disertai rasa bsangka baik sebagai seorang muslim mmg mbuatkn aku rasa jengkel.at least tu pgajaran buat aku gak.aku baru sedar..blajarlah tentang semua orang adalah istimewa. amek semua perkara yg baik. amek yg jernih dan buang yg keruh.that's work.
it's how u cerminkan diri sendiri. buruk kau pandang orang, buruklah mata hati kau sendiri. cuba ikut sifat2 Rasulullah. kena fitnah. kena keji pun, still maintain cool.
Hidup tidak selalunya indah Langit tak selalu cerah Suram malam tak berbintang Itulah lukisan alam (Begitu aturan Tuhan)
Jadilah rumput nan lemah lembut Tak luruh dipukul ribut Bagai karang di dasar lautan Tak terusik dilanda badai
Dalam suka hitunglah kesyukuranmu Dalam senang awasi kealfaanmu Setitis derita melanda Segunung kurniaanNya
Usah mengharapkan ke segalanya Dalam perjuangan penuh pengorbanan Usah dendam berpanjangan Maafkan kesalahan insan (Begitu ajaran Tuhan)
Hasbiallah, Hasbunallah HasbiRabbi jalallahu Ya Allah
Dalam diam taburkanlah baktimu Dalam tenang buangkanlah amarahmu Suburkanlah sifat sabar (Di) dalam jiwamu itu -------------------------------------------------
why everyone (except my family and my trusted friends) waiting so patiently for me to be depressed or give up?
i'm not. apparently. thank you.
I heard this song yesterday before i sleep.mcm best aje. mcm sesuai aje pujuk hati. bila pikir balik,tak de ape yg myedihkan tentang benda yg dah terjadi tapi rasa humilation. tue je. we tend to be oversensitive over small thing. things that other people cant really know because they'r not in our shoes. it's just painful and i just want to desensitization all the pain. is that wrong?
Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."
[Volume 7, Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Book 70, Number 545]
and suddenly like some peole cant recognized me anymore. after years knowing.takpe. it's okay.it's always be okay... serahkan pada Allah. Aku tau aku tak sempurna. aku ada salah silapnya. wpun selalu selalu disalah erti. takpe. it can be either work of syaitan to make things worse or it's just us. yg baik datang dari Allah.
Hasbiallah, Hasbunallah HasbiRabbi jalallahu Ya Allah
saya akhiri karangan kali ini dgn ayat2 pmulaan dari the-fikr lagu kebangkitan
Jalan berliku terjarnya tebing curamnya jurang bukanlah sesuatu yg mngerikan yang paling mgerikan adalah kehilangan keberanian utk mharungi kehidupan
siapa yg berani keberanian dia harus mnikmati hirup liku kesulitan terjarnya masalah dalamnya kepiluan kerana dibalik itu, tersimpan hikmah yg dalam
bg pcari kebenaran knikmatitan adalah utk terus mcari mgharungi samudera khidupan.
aku mahu jadi seorang yang tabah dan berani. sku tahu betapa cacat celanya pada diri aku. lautan tak selalu tenang. cuaca tak selalu panas. aku tak mahu kehilangan gelak tawa aku sendiri. namun aku tetap mahu air mata ini mgalir bagi m'gingatkn aku tika lara.
bukan aku takut pada cemuhan manusia ciptaan Tuhan bukan aku serik pada ujian-ujian besar Tuhan Bukan aku soalkan tentang neraca keadilan milik Tuhan. bukan aku ngeri akan malapetaka Tuhan tapi aku gentar jika Tuhanku itu murka terhadapku.
aku takut pada diri aku sendiri yang melarikan diri dari Tuhan aku sendiri tanpa aku sendiri sedar.
berilah aku kepak untuk terbang. kerana kakiku sudah letih mgira langkah.
esok lusa, siapa tahu? kerja tuhan, siapa tahu?
Namun, senyuman di hati tak pernah luput. tak pernah lelah untuk diukir. selagi aku percaya kasih Tuhan pada hambaNya yg serba kekurangan ini tak pernah hilang walaupun dalam kabus.
dan dalam hidup ini, itulah saja yang aku mahukan!
"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu. Allah Mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui" ayat 216, Suroh Al-Baqoroh
my feeling is somehow mixed. sadness is not mine. but guilty. for not able to finished my degree and not able to serve my people. for not able to buy things for my family. for not able meet my lecturers' expectation.
itu je.
because in my mind. this pain is still bearable. to compare with those who spent years in the jail. to compare with traumatize wives with abusive husbands. to compare with my fellow brothers and sisters in Gaza Palestine for nearly 60 years to compare with those dx as cancer or other disable disease.
apalah sangat. dunia ni luas. kiralah nikmat Tuhan. kalau berani lah!
ehem! i dont want to sound very emos. but the sadness just cannot be avoided.
the funny (funniest perhaps) thing is my lecturer said it's bcz i drop my beg&i look clumsy.they failed me. apart from getting one of most malignant examiner&difficult patient for my short case. Yelah, i know i did mistakes. but taktawlah..my friends yang lepas pun ada gak wat salah tapi still lepas. rezeki masing-masing susah nak cakap deh!
no,they didnt consider at all.kedekut dgn 2markah plak tu.although i achieved 75% for long case from prof yap..the malignant lecturer also.. (yeah,i dunt like to appear stupid although sometime i'm stupid.i think) .
and i remained as a student for the next 6months.
i dunno i shud be glad or i shud be sad.but i really hope that stop giving me msg/testi/call just to ask for my result. i hate those yang pandai2 bg nasihat, "lain kali,u shud do this and that"... i really pissed off with 'toot' as if laa toot tu cemerlang sangat. u'r not in my foot. u dont know how exactly how it feel. nasi sudah jadi bubur. tak guna air mata. hehe
mungkin ini adalah ujian2 dari Tuhan tanda kasihNya... 19 people in 6 months. woah nearly 20% deh. i really believe Allah holds great plan for us. i mean, these 19 people are not pmalas type person. never missed class or naughty person. it's totally rubbish to reasoning why us. after all, kenapa ada yg ponteng kelas like hell, tak study langsung but still able to pass. but not us.
One of my friends, Miss AA, from Sabah. She's under ptptn. she had to struggle to pay the fees. She's 2 years senior. and both of her short and long case were difficult ones. plus malignant examiner. I know she's a good student. it's just not her luck. plus 3-4 friends of mine yang juga tak kena sponsor. like hell gak laa.. dalam 20 org tu, i think i'm the most pemalas but not to that bad extent laa kan..still rajin p kelas. additional bedside. still finish all those books. lunyai pun ada...p wad masa weekend..study groups.. mungkin ini kifarah dosa sendiri. sob sob. ada kot mulut myakitkn hati org. mgumpat org. cakap kasar...
tp Allah kan hanya mguji sesiapa yg Allah sayang?
i know. i still consider myself lucky. for having good social support. (although not like RK, having husband to comfort her..hehehe). friends. family. plus economically stable. and chances to learn more depth in medicine. nothing to regret. bcause simply i cannot regret what's has had happend.
maybe malu sikit. tapi bile pikir balik. bukannye aku bogel pun. haha. i told aff. mybe this is not hard to compare with yg digoda dgn perasan diri cantik lalu mjadi seksi lalu jadi org yg tak ingat Tuhan. eh, complicated tu. senang citer. betul lah ayat Alquran. dgn m'ingati Tuhan, hati mjadi tenang.
Tiada apa yang lebih baik dari apa yang telah berlaku!.
plus life is more than this. ada banyak lagi perkara penting.
to my junior. there's nothing to lose. i mean. i know, it's frustrating somehow. study like hell and the result is still like hell. I feel it too. My life; study, family, usrah, intnt. but no movie every week. no tv every day. no shopping. no dating. laghro tu takdelah sangat. sleepless night sometimes. no time for my own family. it's not fair. but life is indeed not fair. God is fair. jadik, study laa lagi. dont lose hope. i still believe the knowledge inside of me is adequate for me to pass but ..biarlah hidup mcabar sikit. apa salahnya?
to zaa + zead the labuan plan is still on. hehe. i'm sorry for ignore your msg/ym. yeah. need time for myself..i'm still kicking. and alive alhamdulillah. zaa... i still welkem u back to home this june. n i can always temankn u belikan barang2 kawen, main playground n gossiping with ur mum too..kita kan jiran?? hello, 6 months as a student lagi byk rilek dari jadik houseman (owh, sour grape...ngeh. kita kena bsyukur dgn ape yg kita ada kan?)
to mak. i love you, mak! =). sori takleh ganti gate rumah lagi... pakai lagi laa rantai basikal...greatest mum ever.
to aff. aku tau aku ada kakak yang orang lain idam2kan. tapi apa yang boleh buat. aku adik yang best, kan kan kan?
to et cool. jgn jadik pmalas mcm kakak kau. blajar dari ksilapan.
to those yg dah grad congrats. jgn malukan upm. lawak2 grad jgn sebut. jgn layan aku mcm kesian. aku tak suka org kesian kat aku... tp jgn laa layan aku mcm takde perasaan. hehe.
to those yg nak kawen ewah ewah....aku tetap mau datang..tp lawak2 grad, jgn sebut. sensitip!
to yg sama2 fail dgn aku i still think we'r not bad students..(tatawlaa kalau lecturers benci aku ke tak..tp wth). karang aku study mcm nk amek mrcp karang, nganga. hahaha. dont lose hope. dont lose faith (aku boleh laa ckp, sbb aku sama kapal! =p)..actually, i was quite busy mlayan my guests. aku p kidnapping them from kg baru, avoid other people. funny. my 4 guests were saying, "thankgod, u also failed zek. kalau tak, tak tau mana nak lari!". somehow, i know it's my pleasure also lah to make ppl happy.sbenarnya,jauh dalam sudut hati aku,aku bsyukur org2 best gak yg sekapal dgn aku.kalau budak2 busuk kaki ponteng kelas tu,aku risau gak lah!..
to meha n nani tetap aku datang pd. 6months of vacation katakan..mampus aku kalau lecturer aku tau. hahaha.
i got most malignant person as my examiner. i got an irritated young patient who's crying when I examined him. which made me more nervous. and i stumble for the next second case.
and i think i did well for my long case. Got an elderly chinese man who was heroin user, chronic smoker with past history of TB and now presented with COPD. and got lalalaa talking from TB, bronchietasis, copd, heroin, even HIV in 30minutes.
the truth is i feel so weak after the exam. i mean, i have been studying religiously for 5 years and my future had been tested for only 2hours. this is not fair. i dunno. because suddenly i feel like i was alone in the old boat with cruel storm and heavy rain.
and only God can help me. the result only revealed tmrw. i dunno how am i going to face it. if only my lecturers going to stand up for me. the only thing that i can do is to pray..
I know, 6months is not that cruel. it's not the end of the world yet. it's not a disease. it's not a cancer. but how am i going to find motivation and strength and build up my confident level again. ..i really hope not...
Tomolo is my big day. My final clinical examination as a medical student (hopefully! God provides) and everyone kept saying, "Eleh Zack, u hv been so lucky until now.. we know u can do it lah"
I really hope i can do it well. not as previously i did it so toyer lah due to lack of confident.plus knowledge too. but alhamdulillah i still able to pass until now.. 'Lucky' some might say as i'm one of the candidate for the laziest person ever (i think i had been highlighted this out in every entry..n i think this is the main reason sometimes i felt so stress out!) whateverlah.. I hope i always be lucky thru out my whole life, amin! =)
After all, most of us had already strive n studying like dead people, man! i dunt want to lose my faith!
Heard some bad news from monday n tuesday people.. some didnt make it. dammit.. why cant make it easier for us. be cool people. be very cool. and calm. tour par raison!
Allah, help us!
anyway missing zetoty so badly. gula-gula kapas warna hijau muda tu T_T.
U know,I felt very weird. i really hv bad memory about bad memories. I didnt learn from my stupid mistake about being hurtd by someone else all over and over again. that's why i'm cool even with the busuk hati bcause i'm simply a forgetful person..and i was wrong to assumed everyone like that too..why cant everyone just forgive and forget? why cant just push the reset button after scanning the bad files. Kan berat bawak benda yg busuk dalam hati tu.
The reason is so simple: Life is damn too short. Seize the day, my friends.. and rite now.. i felt so hurted. and let Allah be the best judge!
Ya Rabbi Forgive me. For all the sinsful act that i hv commit. As i hv no bad intention.
Kiah dunt want to be noty noty again and again. whatever path/act that i choose to take, i really hope it's going to take me to Allah.
owh. aku janji 10minit je nk update blog. hehe. tak sedar diri btul ada clinical xm this wednesday. yep, after 5 years in med skool, i just realized that i'm not a nerdie nerdie. ye lah, since i was in primary/secondary skool, aku ni kaki tido n kaki tiru homework (but not exam eh..except once utk pend. agama islam..pastu ustazah aku mgamuk,then sumpah dah tak berani!). n indeed, i'm much more famous being 'hypothyroidism' in class and 'hyperthryodism' outside the class. perhaps i hv ADHD. selalu kena tegur okay dgn lecturers.
seriusly, i promise if i able to pass this xm, i would khatam lagi the oxford handbo0k during the holiday bfore kena panggil jadik houseman!!!
taggie tag by cik lawyer alak:
5 presents for myself: 1) being a competent safe doctor by next week! insyallah!! amin!!! 2) lateral-vertical-horizontal genius brain. 3) an attitude like Nabi Muhammad s.a.w 4) money. 5) dikelilingi orang2 yg baik. hadiahkan tue?
5 reasons for the above: 1) seriusly, i know life's even worst after graduation but why delay the pain? 2) because i dont hv brain like that. i need Ritalin! 3) i am soo not perfect. far from perfect. sometimes, i'm tired with my mgada2, tak sedar diri.. i want to be like Rasulullah. sape tak nak okay? 4) so i can buy a car..myvy cukup le. beli cat utk cat rumah aku (rumah mak aku, i mean). tukar gate rumah aku. beli n tanam pokok. can give money to the poor people without worries. can go travel. bole beli hadiah org kawen. boleh sponsor org lain kawen, aku boleh tumpang gumbira...boleh belanja orang. i wont be soo kedekut/ungkit. boleh sponsor adik2 aku kereta/laptop/jam/whatever zt/yis need laaa.. boleh sponsor pelacur2 bukak kedai jual baju instead dorg jual maruah....okaylaa, i just need one training nike shoe for jogging...money is never everything, i know.it can never buy happiness like most people thought... 5) supaya dapat mgawasi knakalan aku. huhu
5 impression to the ones that I admire: 1) sincere... 2) dont judge books by its cover.although 1 know 1st impression tu penting deh. 3) brave - eg brave to say no to someone that he/she loves because inni-akhafullah!..brave to tegur someone's kesalah with penuh hikmah...brave to be himself/herself...brave to be different..brave to admit mistake. brave to be martyr! 4) org2 yg hafal alquran... 5) sifat2 Rasulullah laaa in short.
Best thing HE ever did for me: this whole life. angels around me. and all the protection that HE gave to me through out this life. and although i'm not perfect muslim, HE gave me thousand of chances to sedarkan diri ni yg tak seberapa...and i think the best thing HE ever did for me is to love me...i hope HE always do until the rest of my life..ameen!
5 greatest inventions: 1) mp3- for years bfore that, berat giller main badminton/jogging with walkman! 2) pda handphone. luv it! 3) bohler-braun skeletal traction. illizarov...ortho gadgets are sooo amazing!as prof Devnani pun superb! actually mmg superb medical invention. even cbd pun.har har har...atau cooper iucd/t-tube/ecg/abg yg celaka kuar exam haritue.. 4) vitagen. antibiotic. plus anti tb drugs...chemotherapy...i love paracetamol. painkillers..it give hopes. eh, tu invention ke discoveries? 5) music. owh...i enjoyed music soo much.
5 most hated: 1) org yg p disko. kejap pakai tudung.kejap bukak tudung. perempuan kompius. minum arak. kuar dgn laki. tak solat. bzina zini. argh..tension aku...then pura2 bcakap tentang agama... perempuan murahan- amek laki org. sanggup gadai dignity kerana cinta...hello, mana maruah diri? jangan le sgt desperate. jadik lah perempuan macho, kalau jejantas kata nak tinggal..pergi mampus laa..mereka yg rugi terhadap perempuan macho yg hot tsebut. aku bukannye baik sgt sbb tu aku stress. aku tataw nk tegur depa2 ni mcne. hati aku panaaaassss aje tgk dorg. karang aku tegur, mulalah kata aku dengki bla bla...adeh.panas. panas.belajaq agama lagi baguih dari aku..adeh..adeh.. 2) my toooooooooooooo lepak attitude.......mcm takde adrenaline rush. 3) my adipose tissue...nooooo, i love my lemaks. 4) when people spot how not-so-intelligent I am..dammit laaa.. 5) my mood swing. my pms. only people yg knl2rapat je tau how temper I am -esp my mom n aff...tp most of the people would say how cool i act..(actually not cool lah, blur!)
tag: 1. kak yaqeen yg tak abes2 dgn bunga2 (jeles okay!) 2. awla -currently so eppily doing elective in cucms. 3. wan jamie. rockers yg kiut sesangat! 4. fariz danial yg cool tersebut..hehehe. 5. samirah yg dah jadik dr sam. hehehe..
Most of us (half of us) was crying silently during the second paper after hearing that news. I really dont know how Sidqi can act soo cool. He still able to smile although there was tears falling from his face. He went back to Kedah yesterday by flight..and tentively he had to go for MEQ today (aku rasa uni kadang2 ni a bit jahat..alasan sakit/kematian mmg takde toleransi btul).
God, help him...let him be strong!
and tazkirah for myself:we dont know what we got until it's gone!
aku cilok akak aku py posting aaahhh..haha..tak study utk meq lagi deh!
To Sidqi's dear mother.
The first and the last time I met her was at her house in Alor Star, two months ago when we visited her at her home in Alor Star. She was about to start with her chemotherapy session the day after our visit, and if no one told me she was ill, I would'nt suspect any of it: she was jovial and beyond calm.
Though during the visit she was 'full' of life, making meals for her visitors not once, but 7 times a day, my sister told me that before she was diagnosed with the big C, she was quite a different person.
The person that I met was a happy and funny mother to three obedient sons. SS, a friend of mine, who had the chance of meeting her, said she's one of the most contented persons she have ever met. She reminds me of my mother, of all loving mothers who cares nothing but for her children.
I still remember what she said: "when you know you're about to die, you'll appreciate life more." Never did i suspect that she knew her time was coming. Everyone was positive that she's going to be alright.
But as my sister updated to me, her illness had only worsened in few months. The image of her in memory seems to betray the truth: I only can picture her smile.
Today, my sister texted me to tell that Auntie had just passed away.
Al-fatihah. Sidqi, your loss is felt and I pray that Auntie will be placed amongst the Muqarabeen. Ameen.
btw tgkle kumbang aku dah kat bawah posting nie...soalan mcq semalam mcm maut py susah aaa gila aaa..aku tataw le nak cakap ape deh..aku rasa boleh jawab part paeds aje. ortho boleh aaa thn, soalan logik...o+g mcm hancus gak soalan kurang ajar padahal dlm byk2 posting, O+g lecturers plg rajin ms kat kajang dulu. medicine tak payah ckp laaa, mmg guna pgetahuan masa preclinical ajelah. surgery pun..adeh..psychiatric..adeh..mmg semput le...mmg guna long term memory..kwn2 aku pun bpeluh2 jwb soalan.hari ni meq aku taktaule.harap2 okay laa..doa2kan lah!
