bear-able

aku mahu jadi seorang yang tabah dan berani.
sku tahu betapa cacat celanya pada diri aku.
lautan tak selalu tenang.
cuaca tak selalu panas.
aku tak mahu kehilangan gelak tawa aku sendiri.
namun aku tetap mahu air mata ini mgalir bagi m'gingatkn aku tika lara.

bukan aku takut pada cemuhan manusia ciptaan Tuhan
bukan aku serik pada ujian-ujian besar Tuhan
Bukan aku soalkan tentang neraca keadilan milik Tuhan.
bukan aku ngeri akan malapetaka Tuhan
tapi aku gentar jika Tuhanku itu murka terhadapku.

aku takut pada diri aku sendiri yang melarikan diri dari Tuhan aku sendiri tanpa aku sendiri sedar.

berilah aku kepak untuk terbang.
kerana kakiku sudah letih mgira langkah.

esok lusa, siapa tahu?
kerja tuhan, siapa tahu?

Namun, senyuman di hati tak pernah luput.
tak pernah lelah untuk diukir.
selagi aku percaya kasih Tuhan pada hambaNya yg serba kekurangan ini
tak pernah hilang walaupun dalam kabus.

dan dalam hidup ini,
itulah saja yang aku mahukan!

"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu. Allah Mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui" ayat 216, Suroh Al-Baqoroh

my feeling is somehow mixed.
sadness is not mine. but guilty.
for not able to finished my degree and not able to serve my people.
for not able to buy things for my family.
for not able meet my lecturers' expectation.

itu je.

because in my mind.
this pain is still bearable.
to compare with those who spent years in the jail.
to compare with traumatize wives with abusive husbands.
to compare with my fellow brothers and sisters in Gaza Palestine for nearly 60 years
to compare with those dx as cancer or other disable disease.

apalah sangat.
dunia ni luas.
kiralah nikmat Tuhan. kalau berani lah!

ehem!
i dont want to sound very emos. but the sadness just cannot be avoided.

the funny (funniest perhaps) thing is my lecturer said it's bcz i drop my beg&i look clumsy.they failed me. apart from getting one of most malignant examiner&difficult patient for my short case.
Yelah, i know i did mistakes. but taktawlah..my friends yang lepas pun ada gak wat salah tapi still lepas. rezeki masing-masing susah nak cakap deh!

no,they didnt consider at all.kedekut dgn 2markah plak tu.although i achieved 75% for long case from prof yap..the malignant lecturer also.. (yeah,i dunt like to appear stupid although sometime i'm stupid.i think) .

and i remained as a student for the next 6months.

i dunno i shud be glad or i shud be sad.but i really hope that stop giving me msg/testi/call just to ask for my result. i hate those yang pandai2 bg nasihat, "lain kali,u shud do this and that"... i really pissed off with 'toot' as if laa toot tu cemerlang sangat. u'r not in my foot. u dont know how exactly how it feel. nasi sudah jadi bubur. tak guna air mata. hehe

mungkin ini adalah ujian2 dari Tuhan tanda kasihNya... 19 people in 6 months. woah nearly 20% deh. i really believe Allah holds great plan for us. i mean, these 19 people are not pmalas type person. never missed class or naughty person. it's totally rubbish to reasoning why us. after all, kenapa ada yg ponteng kelas like hell, tak study langsung but still able to pass. but not us.

One of my friends, Miss AA, from Sabah. She's under ptptn. she had to struggle to pay the fees. She's 2 years senior. and both of her short and long case were difficult ones. plus malignant examiner. I know she's a good student. it's just not her luck. plus 3-4 friends of mine yang juga tak kena sponsor. like hell gak laa.. dalam 20 org tu, i think i'm the most pemalas but not to that bad extent laa kan..still rajin p kelas. additional bedside. still finish all those books. lunyai pun ada...p wad masa weekend..study groups.. mungkin ini kifarah dosa sendiri. sob sob. ada kot mulut myakitkn hati org. mgumpat org. cakap kasar...

tp Allah kan hanya mguji sesiapa yg Allah sayang?

i know. i still consider myself lucky. for having good social support. (although not like RK, having husband to comfort her..hehehe). friends. family. plus economically stable. and chances to learn more depth in medicine. nothing to regret. bcause simply i cannot regret what's has had happend.

maybe malu sikit. tapi bile pikir balik. bukannye aku bogel pun. haha. i told aff. mybe this is not hard to compare with yg digoda dgn perasan diri cantik lalu mjadi seksi lalu jadi org yg tak ingat Tuhan. eh, complicated tu. senang citer. betul lah ayat Alquran. dgn m'ingati Tuhan, hati mjadi tenang.

Tiada apa yang lebih baik dari apa yang telah berlaku!.

plus life is more than this. ada banyak lagi perkara penting.

to my junior.
there's nothing to lose. i mean. i know, it's frustrating somehow. study like hell and the result is still like hell. I feel it too. My life; study, family, usrah, intnt. but no movie every week. no tv every day. no shopping. no dating. laghro tu takdelah sangat. sleepless night sometimes. no time for my own family. it's not fair. but life is indeed not fair. God is fair. jadik, study laa lagi. dont lose hope. i still believe the knowledge inside of me is adequate for me to pass but ..biarlah hidup mcabar sikit. apa salahnya?

to zaa + zead
the labuan plan is still on. hehe. i'm sorry for ignore your msg/ym. yeah. need time for myself..i'm still kicking. and alive alhamdulillah. zaa... i still welkem u back to home this june. n i can always temankn u belikan barang2 kawen, main playground n gossiping with ur mum too..kita kan jiran?? hello, 6 months as a student lagi byk rilek dari jadik houseman (owh, sour grape...ngeh. kita kena bsyukur dgn ape yg kita ada kan?)

to mak.
i love you, mak! =). sori takleh ganti gate rumah lagi... pakai lagi laa rantai basikal...greatest mum ever.

to aff.
aku tau aku ada kakak yang orang lain idam2kan. tapi apa yang boleh buat. aku adik yang best, kan kan kan?

to et
cool. jgn jadik pmalas mcm kakak kau. blajar dari ksilapan.

to those yg dah grad
congrats. jgn malukan upm. lawak2 grad jgn sebut. jgn layan aku mcm kesian. aku tak suka org kesian kat aku... tp jgn laa layan aku mcm takde perasaan. hehe.

to those yg nak kawen
ewah ewah....aku tetap mau datang..tp lawak2 grad, jgn sebut. sensitip!

to yg sama2 fail dgn aku
i still think we'r not bad students..(tatawlaa kalau lecturers benci aku ke tak..tp wth). karang aku study mcm nk amek mrcp karang, nganga. hahaha. dont lose hope. dont lose faith (aku boleh laa ckp, sbb aku sama kapal! =p)..actually, i was quite busy mlayan my guests. aku p kidnapping them from kg baru, avoid other people. funny. my 4 guests were saying, "thankgod, u also failed zek. kalau tak, tak tau mana nak lari!". somehow, i know it's my pleasure also lah to make ppl happy.sbenarnya,jauh dalam sudut hati aku,aku bsyukur org2 best gak yg sekapal dgn aku.kalau budak2 busuk kaki ponteng kelas tu,aku risau gak lah!..

to meha n nani
tetap aku datang pd. 6months of vacation katakan..mampus aku kalau lecturer aku tau. hahaha.

okeh. to other.
enjoy this song eh!

OUTLANDISH lyrics